Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I am Woman

5917149753_d0f5dba7ffA few weeks ago I saw the movie My Week with Marilyn. I’ve seen bits of films she was in and one documentary on conspiracy theories about her death but nothing that told me much about her besides her being a troubled actress (“like the rest of them”, I thought). Because she’s so popular I honestly thought maybe she was just overrated and probably didn’t have any depth to her (mean girl, I know). There are tons of beautiful blonde bombshells out there that didn’t have much else to them. I just saw the popular photos everywhere and totally judged a book by its cover. Which is probably one of the reasons why she isn’t here any more.

After watching the movie and seeing another side to what Marilyn may have been like and crying most of the way. Even at the simple bits. I just felt guilty as she was so fragile like the rest of us, like me. I ordered a book she started to write about herself and her life called My Story. Unfortunately it isn’t her whole story as it ends so abruptly. I was left wanting to learn more about this determined but also extremely fragile woman. I ordered another book.

I do feel guilty for judging people by what they look like on the outside. We’re all so used to doing it. I don’t do it all the time but sometimes it’s hard not to feel jealous or envious or to even look away! Those feelings turn into bitterness and no one wants to be that girl.

As I said in my previous post, I’m turning a year older this month. I’ve been thinking about who I am as a person and as a…woman. I still feel like I’m a girl even though I’ll be 27. I don’t know if it’s because I’m my Dad’s youngest or because I feel more comfortable around kids than I do with adults. Maybe I won’t let myself grow up. People are always so grumpy about growing older and talk about it like it’s such an awful thing. But when we’re young, it’s all we want. (I cannot believe I have THIS song in my head at 26.)

After reading that first book on Marilyn I felt myself growing up a little bit. She was a very determined and inspirational woman, honestly. It's a little contagious. Then yesterday after applying to about 20 jobs, I looked in the mirror and aside from being surprised at having a good hair day, I felt a little bit older then too. Not in a bad way (because it isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a bad thing, it isn’t a bad thing). People are always surprised at my age as I have a small face and may look and be treated as if I’m younger than I am.

I may have gone a step backwards when I saw a Youtube makeup tutorial by a girl that looked about 15 with zero wrinkles when her camera did the extra super zoom while applying mascara. I think I developed another wrinkle at that moment. Then another grey hair sprouted when she started braiding her un-dyed long locks into a bow and pinned it on top of her head. Too cute. I will turn my bitterness into something else less damaging. It’ll take time but with practice and patience I will be a good girl woman. I’ve been thinking about it more especially because I will have a daughter one day and become a role model and super Mom all rolled into one. May be a little late to be practicing this but hey, better late than never.

So what I’m trying to get at is what we’ve all been taught but may get caught up in doing. Try not to judge a book by its cover. Baby steps. No! WOMANLY steps! Ok, a cartwheel.



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